Before I start typing in my conclusions/thoughts I need to provide two additional episodes of both my chittappas (dad's brothers)
Elder
This was a case where there were a lot special interactions. He was diagnosed with throat and went thru the radio/chemo drill. Was declared fine and then it hit him back.this time to the tongue etc. Two or three incidents that I wanted to highlight
(1) When I visited him once at home, as usual he was quiet. This time I noticed he was supporting his jaw strongly with his palm. I thought this was unusual and asked him if he was in pain (I guess it was a dumb question). He simply nodded. Knowing him, that is something. Somehow more than anything else I have seen this disturbed me. But there is no sound/complaint or reaction overtly from him!
(2) Second time, I met him he was in a hospice kind of environment as the oncologist had declared that further treatment can only harm him. He wrote in a piece of paper that he was hungry!! Of course he was clear in his mind that he did not want simply prolongation of life via feeding thru a tube etc. Despite I felt this was a new low.
(3) The last was probably the event which will remain long. I was returning from office and somehow I felt I should visit him and took a detour to the hospice care. By this time, he was almost to his bones due to lack of nutrition. When he realized I was there, he wanted the notebook. In fact my chitti (his wife) was telling that he did not try writing for couple of days and so he must be trying to say something. Unfortunately he was so weak that he could not hold the pen to write anything legible. I could trace out P and in tamil பீ. I kept asking him if it was priya (for my cousin) other possibilities. He shook his head and finally resigned to keeping quiet out of frustration. To this day this is a mystery as to what he wanted to convey. Incidentally he passed away the next day. I will never know what he wanted to convey.
Younger
The younger chittappa (Dads brother) was in many ways similar but different. The stages described above were almost similar. his reactions were the same but in addition he was a loyal follower of Swami Raghavendra. So anytime anything uncomfortable or painful happened he will just tap the photo he had in his pocket. In fact during his final days, I was pressurized to ask him about feeding holes. I was very reluctant as he had made it very clear. Deferring to the family wishes I asked him. :-) If looks could burn you that would have happened. I laughed and told him that I understand but I had to ask as the family wanted me to. He simply nodded and changed topics. We were communication via me speaking and he just nodding or rolling his eyes.
My thoughts/Conclusions
Apologies if I am stating the obvious but the difference is that it is buttressed by actual experience
(1) Death is not only inevitable (this everyone knows but dont realize till something hits you personally) but it can be real sudden.
(2) Birth is an equally tough event to handle even in the absence of criticality as in my son's case
(3) Given (1), the only thing that can be done is facing it with dignity, though the disease tries to destroy your dignity.
(4) My elder chittappa was not a religious person. In fact I wonder what his actual preference was as he always respected others faith and feelings but never expressed his own. The younger one was his exact opposite. But both handled themselves almost exactly when faced with inhuman odds.
(5) I have had interesting interactions with my elder chittppa though. During his initial treatment when he could talk, he mentioned once that the only thing he has done in his life was financial planning and nothing else. He said due to that, my family may be fine but I have not done anything else. He did not give me any conclusions for his statement. So I was left to derive what I can. Was he regretting he did not do something else? Did that mean that his entire working life provided financial security and in the process there were other things which he could not do?
So what does all this mean?
No matter what, s*** happens. So it really does not help worrying about it or getting scared. There are far more important things in life than celebrating failure.
More than the negative event, what matters is how you face it?
In addition, time will move on and before you realize you are at the end of the cycle. People have asked me. Why temples, kainkaryams and other stuff so early in life. There is a belief that all these should wait for retirement. But what happens typically after retirement?
If you look closely all talk is on action (doing something). In one of the discourses on Karma yoga (by Sri Vellukudi Krishnan Swami), I heard that you need the following
(1) Thought behind the action than just doing something
(2) Doing it without the feeling that "I am doing"
(3) doing it without the feeling that "I am doing it for my benefit")
(2) and (3) frankly are too esoteric, I am afraid, if we lesser mortals can ever reach that stage. I have also heard about கர்மம் கைங்கர்யத்திலே புகும் meaning even your karma can be for the service to the god. We cant say this is easier as the thoughts of me doing for myself is still there. no matter if you are religious or not, doing things that interest you because it is part of the well being of your larger eco system is high philosophy. In my belief system, anything that you do is god's work. So whats the issue now? Select your focus area, plan for it (monetary, physically or otherwise). Start doing it early and make it full time after retirement (early retirement? :-)). In the process s*** happens and so what!
Just do it! Never realized that a commercial ad would have such a deep philosophical meaning.
Elder
This was a case where there were a lot special interactions. He was diagnosed with throat and went thru the radio/chemo drill. Was declared fine and then it hit him back.this time to the tongue etc. Two or three incidents that I wanted to highlight
(1) When I visited him once at home, as usual he was quiet. This time I noticed he was supporting his jaw strongly with his palm. I thought this was unusual and asked him if he was in pain (I guess it was a dumb question). He simply nodded. Knowing him, that is something. Somehow more than anything else I have seen this disturbed me. But there is no sound/complaint or reaction overtly from him!
(2) Second time, I met him he was in a hospice kind of environment as the oncologist had declared that further treatment can only harm him. He wrote in a piece of paper that he was hungry!! Of course he was clear in his mind that he did not want simply prolongation of life via feeding thru a tube etc. Despite I felt this was a new low.
(3) The last was probably the event which will remain long. I was returning from office and somehow I felt I should visit him and took a detour to the hospice care. By this time, he was almost to his bones due to lack of nutrition. When he realized I was there, he wanted the notebook. In fact my chitti (his wife) was telling that he did not try writing for couple of days and so he must be trying to say something. Unfortunately he was so weak that he could not hold the pen to write anything legible. I could trace out P and in tamil பீ. I kept asking him if it was priya (for my cousin) other possibilities. He shook his head and finally resigned to keeping quiet out of frustration. To this day this is a mystery as to what he wanted to convey. Incidentally he passed away the next day. I will never know what he wanted to convey.
Younger
The younger chittappa (Dads brother) was in many ways similar but different. The stages described above were almost similar. his reactions were the same but in addition he was a loyal follower of Swami Raghavendra. So anytime anything uncomfortable or painful happened he will just tap the photo he had in his pocket. In fact during his final days, I was pressurized to ask him about feeding holes. I was very reluctant as he had made it very clear. Deferring to the family wishes I asked him. :-) If looks could burn you that would have happened. I laughed and told him that I understand but I had to ask as the family wanted me to. He simply nodded and changed topics. We were communication via me speaking and he just nodding or rolling his eyes.
My thoughts/Conclusions
Apologies if I am stating the obvious but the difference is that it is buttressed by actual experience
(1) Death is not only inevitable (this everyone knows but dont realize till something hits you personally) but it can be real sudden.
(2) Birth is an equally tough event to handle even in the absence of criticality as in my son's case
(3) Given (1), the only thing that can be done is facing it with dignity, though the disease tries to destroy your dignity.
(4) My elder chittappa was not a religious person. In fact I wonder what his actual preference was as he always respected others faith and feelings but never expressed his own. The younger one was his exact opposite. But both handled themselves almost exactly when faced with inhuman odds.
(5) I have had interesting interactions with my elder chittppa though. During his initial treatment when he could talk, he mentioned once that the only thing he has done in his life was financial planning and nothing else. He said due to that, my family may be fine but I have not done anything else. He did not give me any conclusions for his statement. So I was left to derive what I can. Was he regretting he did not do something else? Did that mean that his entire working life provided financial security and in the process there were other things which he could not do?
So what does all this mean?
No matter what, s*** happens. So it really does not help worrying about it or getting scared. There are far more important things in life than celebrating failure.
More than the negative event, what matters is how you face it?
In addition, time will move on and before you realize you are at the end of the cycle. People have asked me. Why temples, kainkaryams and other stuff so early in life. There is a belief that all these should wait for retirement. But what happens typically after retirement?
- Health issues/Sickness distract you
- Taking care of grand kids distract you
- Sheer boredom or lack of any interest areas prevents you from taking any new steps
- If not anything, the sheer unpreparedness kills you
If you look closely all talk is on action (doing something). In one of the discourses on Karma yoga (by Sri Vellukudi Krishnan Swami), I heard that you need the following
(1) Thought behind the action than just doing something
(2) Doing it without the feeling that "I am doing"
(3) doing it without the feeling that "I am doing it for my benefit")
(2) and (3) frankly are too esoteric, I am afraid, if we lesser mortals can ever reach that stage. I have also heard about கர்மம் கைங்கர்யத்திலே புகும் meaning even your karma can be for the service to the god. We cant say this is easier as the thoughts of me doing for myself is still there. no matter if you are religious or not, doing things that interest you because it is part of the well being of your larger eco system is high philosophy. In my belief system, anything that you do is god's work. So whats the issue now? Select your focus area, plan for it (monetary, physically or otherwise). Start doing it early and make it full time after retirement (early retirement? :-)). In the process s*** happens and so what!
Just do it! Never realized that a commercial ad would have such a deep philosophical meaning.
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